How can parents of special needs children maintain a healthy marriage? We sought advice from Janina Nadaner, who offers her best keep-it-together tips in this Dandelion online exclusive.

by Janina Nadaner, Marriage and Family Therapist, Clinical Director of Children's Services at Parents Place, JFCS

1. Communicate, communicate, communicate. You have to get better at it, even though you are exhausted.

Find 15-20 minutes each day to take turns to listen to one another without feeling compelled to correct, lash back, or "fix" the problem.

When communicating, try to keep in mind the helpful and simple ARE Checklist. Are you... – Accessible – Responsive? – Emotionally attuned?

2. Acceptance and perspective. Accept the fact that your marriage will become strained and rocky in the early stages, but know that this stage can/will pass -- just the simple knowledge that this is likely to happen helps buffer the impact.

Accept the differences between your and your partner's emotional reactions to the child's disability. We each grieve and cope with challenges differently.

Keep each other from "pointing fingers," comparing yourself to other couples, and comparing your child with other children.

Allow yourself and each other to be sad, angry and confused, but keep each other from drowning in self-pity.

3. Establish a circle of support. Make contact with a competent professional who can help you develop a longer term perspective and stay sane. Be prepared to receive well-intentioned but unhelpful advice from extended family members and others. Consider joining a parent support group when you are ready.

4. Be flexible. Acknowledge the fact that, in early stages while you are adjusting and searching for competent services/treatment, the child with special needs will become your utmost priority. However, resolve to move towards and eventually making a commitment to reestablish that everyone's needs count (this includes your husband/wife/partner and, of course, siblings).

5. Retain your identity. Easier said than done, right? Start with agreeing that each parent deserves some space/time to do things that reaffirm your identity outside of being a "special needs parent." Establish some free time for each parent to do whatever one needs to do -- without negotiating, resenting, explaining.

6. Remember to be a couple too. Line up trusted babysitters and respite. Every once in a while, it's totally okay -- and actually a great sanity-saving tactic! -- to reclaim a sense of couplehood, romance, closeness and fun.

7. Be a team. As much as possible, act as a team. Go to important meetings together, schedule therapy sessions when both of you can be present. Present a unified front with your in-laws and other extended family members. Acting like a team in front of others will make circumstances easier for you as a unit. And cooperating as a team inspires appreciation and respect for one another. A team mind-set is a powerful tool.

8. Celebrate small successes. Take things in baby steps. Acknowledge the successes, no matter how small.

9. Keep up your sense of humor.

10. Seek serenity. Practice the power of forgiveness and acceptance. Some find the Serenity Prayer to be particularly calming: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

11. Remember that there is no such as thing as "NORMAL."