Brenda Batts was rattled to her core when she learned of her son's autism. Like other parents, she was used to having all of the answers. But, she says, "At that time, I felt as though I could do nothing to help my child."
As a parent, you feel it's your duty to fix things. A scraped knee, a broken toy—whatever needs mending, you provide solutions for your child. But what happens when your child is diagnosed with a physical, educational or behavioral challenge?
Brenda says she grieved for two weeks, knowing that Alex, who was diagnosed at 2 and a half, would battle behavioral difficulties for the rest of his life. Brenda, who has a master's degree in special education, then decided that the best thing she could do for her son was to teach him independence.
When confronted by situations of Alex looking to his mom for help, "I had to put the moment in perspective and tell myself—within reason—that if he doesn't learn now, when will he learn?" she explains.
"One of the biggest things I see parents struggle with is finding ways to teach children how to do things on their own," says Amy Saba Ornelas, occupational therapist and director of Dallas Occupational Therapy Services for Kids. She says she often sees kids exhibit "learned helplessness," a term used to describe the way children avoid learning how to complete tasks on their own that are within their capacity.
So how can parents avoid learned helplessness and, instead, help their children achieve as much self-sufficiency as possible? Our experts share their advice and insights for teaching and fostering independence:
"A child is a child first, then a child with disabilities," says Brenda, who is also a founder of Focus on the Future Training Center, an educational center for pre-kindergarten through grade 12 students who have autism and other mental disabilities. "If you as a parent see a child's disability first, you literally drop a curtain over all of the things he might be able to accomplish. You'll never be able to see your child's potential."
When parents see the essence of their child before they see the disability, parents can get a view into the principle foundation of every child: resilience. "There are some children I meet, and I know the parents think, 'He can't do that,' but the truth is that kids find a way," says Belinda Williams, executive director of education at Therapy 2000!, a pediatric in-home healthcare agency that provides physical, occupational and speech therapy services.
Of course, researching conditions and disabilities is essential, but it's also important not to rule out achievements just because research may cast a negative light on a particular skill. "The biggest and most important factor in any child's success is the parents' expectations," says Amy. "If you don't expect them to succeed, they'll never get there."
Brenda agrees. "When my son was younger, he had very severe behavior challenges, like biting and hitting," she says. "Nevertheless, I knew that anything was possible. I couldn't let a negative thought cross my mind because I might have limited his success." Alex, now a young adult, is now able to manage his behavior and even attended school at his mother's education center.
"Kids can read our expectations and can tell if their parent expects them to perform a task just from your body language. They are very intuitive," adds Belinda.
Strategize your child's priorities when it comes to working toward independence. "You need a map," says Brenda, explaining that parents should first work to eliminate behavior difficulties. "It's very hard to try and teach an unruly child how to tie his shoes," she explains. "Focus on what's most important first."
Belinda notes that if you're working with an occupational or physical therapist, your child will undergo an introductory assessment. The therapist will record any barriers preventing the child from completing the tasks, such as an absent limb, behavior challenges, flexibility and more. "Then, we look at what tools or skills we can give the child to achieve their goals," she says.
Parents (and the child's primary physician) must be onboard to help support the child reach goals and accomplishments. "There are some times when a parent says that they just want the child to be able to feed himself," Belinda says. "But what they don't ask themselves is, 'What if my child could dress himself, too?' You can't just choose what seem to be easily attainable goals."
One of the most common challenges parents face, Amy says, is finding the time for kids to complete tasks, such as getting dressed or tying their shoes. "It might take them a much longer time to tie the laces, and parents might have to get out the door. But the child is never going to learn without adequate time and a parent's support," she says.
Amy suggests waking up early to allow your child to brush her own teeth at her own pace—she might practice this skill in occupational therapy, but unless she does the skill in a practical life setting, she might not remember how.
It is critical to patiently allow your child to practice skills in his home environment, especially if they learned them at a therapist's office, Belinda confirms.
Many parents with special-needs children "have a fierce urgency of now," says Brenda. "Whatever it is that you either teach your child or fail to teach your child—these things could literally be the difference between independence and institution." But your child might not understand that. So, she explains, keep the pressure for success off the child and, instead, encourage him to succeed at his own pace.
"Children with special needs constantly have people next to them, asking if they can help even before he tries something for himself," says Amy, who explains that parents should avoid this setting at home.
"I might let the child sit down on the stool to tie his shoe and then walk across the room to observe," she says. "I emphasize the distance, and at times there will be a child who will look up at me and expect me to help." If the child does need assistance, offer help; but, focus on making them a part of the activity—don't just complete the task for them.
"Space is opportunity," says Belinda. "Parents want to nurture their children—by nature, parents are protective. But you must let your child work through this frustration by himself." She adds, "Once they get a taste of success, they'll want to keep going."
Independence Builders
Look into these resources for learning and growing opportunities for your child with special needs. For even more resources, click to our online Resource Directory.
Skills for Autism, a web-based program that provides educators of autistic children access to in-depth evaluation of the child's development, in addition to step-by-step lessons to teach skills.
Keeping Pace Learning Center works one-to-one with students, focusing on teaching, strengthening, and developing skills that lead to independent, academic success.
UCP of Sacramento and UCP of the Golden Gate, which provide programs and services that improve independence, productivity and quality of life for people with developmental disabilities and their families.
Easter Seals Superior CA is dedicated to empowering people with disabilities by offering services and leadership opportunities designed to encourage maximum independence.
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